Excerpt from chapter "Now"
“All the experiences I‘ve had in the past have built up the personality that I have become. I believe that without experiencing extreme lows and a change in life a person doesn’t realize who they really are or can become. Without pain, relief can’t be appreciated. As far as I can remember I’ve always had a complete definite opinion about myself - I either hated myself or loved myself. I just didn’t realize that the outer me affected the inner me a great deal.
I feel happy. Though I know I am not yet where I hope to someday be, I know I am on my way. I know each day is a step closer I am closer. I still get frustrated with the burdens of life and society but I am able to deal with them a lot better. I am happy because I have accomplished for myself what so many struggle to. To me this means I can do anything, this means there aren’t any obstacles placed in my view by myself or others that I will not overcome if I try. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to keep faith in yourself even when others do not, and to really believe in life and make the best of what you have. In losing 120 pounds I have gained the rest of my life, I have created happiness and found my pride.
I am Inspired. Inspired because I know where I’ve been and I can see where I need to go. I love where I am now so I proceed to climb. I’m deeply touched because of what I’ve learned from others, I understand why people would stare and why others would avoid me all together, inspired by understanding of myself and remembrance of how I felt.
My remembrance is my inspiration.
I am grateful for my fear. I am fearful of being the way I once was, I was sad, sad internally and externally. I’m not afraid of looking the way I did, but scared of it having the effect on me it did then. I don’t ever want something so shallow to have a full hold on my life, and for the mirror to dictate and manipulate what I thought I was capable of achieving. I am afraid I’m not strong enough to handle a repeat situation, to handle something again that I had created on my own. I am grateful that I am strong enough to prevent a reoccurrence of my 275 pound shame.
I am love, in love with myself. I love how I feel when I’m at my best, the true form of potential that I possess shines through without any trying on my part. I love that I don’t feel depressed and feel a need to live in a sad melancholy daze. I don’t cry anymore. Though I still have many worries, it’s easier to face what’s ahead because I’ve looked back so many times. Now when I do cry it’s not the result of feeling sorry for myself or the result of long term unhappiness.
I still worry about what’s next; I worry about the next obstacle I should have to hurdle. The weight of having to fight the mental battle of to eat or to over eat is heavy, but not as heavy as letting the urge overcome me.
I am aware. I am aware I’m still burdened with old habits. Though it is easier to eat in public, I still don’t like to see what I’ve consumed afterward. I’m sometimes very conscious of others watching me, to see how much I will eat and to see the choices I make when ordering. I myself am sometimes curious about what I am capable of declining. Now my choices are almost always health conscious and smaller portioned. The urge to overeat still peaks sometimes. It whispers to me that I need more than I can hold and that I need to eat all that I want. It convinces me that I should give up discipline and give into cravings. When the urge hits most times I don’t have to give it a second thought. It’s a voice I recognize, it’s the same voice that was my truest friend for so long. I’m very familiar with its cunning reasoning. So there is no need to listen.”
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